is he, she, they really the love of your life or your next project?

yes, this is an attack on the eldest children of the group... so now what?

Don’t get me wrong, I love love. I love the feeling of being in love. I love the butterflies, the courting, the curiosity for one another — the exploration of bodies, minds, mouths, and hearts. I love everything about love, even the loss because it means that I was brave enough to love despite knowing that grief was looming. To love is to be courageous, and honest. To truly love is to allow yourself to be seen, by yourself and by those you choose.

As an eldest daughter, I’ve always desired to be seen. Growing up in an immigrant household has its difficulties, including being invisible to those focused on surviving because who can ignore an eyesore like survival? I’ve learned to let go of the rage I felt toward my parents, but my journey with love has been tainted by the remnants of my desire for restitution. I want restitution for the love and kindness I missed in my earlier days. The inner child in me craves it.

In my desire for justice, I’ve often found myself in situations with people that didn’t make sense, but I was determined to make sense. In my desire to fulfill those dreams of being seen, and loved, my love life has taken on the project of the square peg-round hole theory. I’ve spent too much time overstaying my welcome. I’ve spent too much time attempting to make things work that don’t. All because I desire something that I actually cannot force anyone to give me.

There’s also the aspect of using love as a means to feel valuable, despite knowing it’s not right for you. It’s been an uphill battle realizing that every lover has been a project, a means to distract myself when I don’t want to work on myself — when I don’t want to do the arduous task of creative value internally rather than searching for it externally. And I want to be clear, this is not an essay about how self-love is the only love that matters because that is also dishonest.

As eldest children especially, but really as people, we have spent a lot of time feeling undervalued, unneeded, and invisible, this is an essay stating that romantic love is not always the answer for getting your lick back on what you missed out on. If he, she, or they don’t love you now, they might never love you and this journey back to your authentic self means being okay with that. Put the pen down, and shred the pros and cons list because this is not a project in which you need notes to decide how to move forward. You don’t need advice from a million-and-one love gurus to figure out why your square peg won’t fit into your round… *loses signal*.

If it’s not working, it’s not working and you’re still worthy, valuable, and desirable despite it not working. You don’t need to use this person or this moment to prove that you deserve it, or that you can have it. You don’t need to make love a project where you can get an A+ score. You don’t need to keep the score, you need to choose yourself. You need to lean into community. You need to lean into spaces and people that see you, love you, and choose you without you putting in the effort to make it perfect. Who loves you when you can’t do or be anything? Who loves you when you’re still? Who loves you when you’re not constantly looking for restitution, for a project to work on until you’re exhausted?

Once you find your answer and choose it in return, your inner child, that child craving to be seen and loved, might finally be satisfied.

xo,

simi