I don't dream of marriage or motherhood.

yes, I'm a first daughter.... so now what?

A man that I wouldn’t mind marrying one day told me that I was the most interesting woman he’s ever dated. I chuckled and intrinsically said, “I’m sure I am.” In reality, he was only saying this because he’s been so used to the archetype of a woman who craves stability and marriage and children and I’m the first (for him) who’s ever just… not. And I’m not unique in this. But as a Black woman, I realize that I am of the few and not the many. And of the few, I am of the honest, which makes a “me” even less likely to come across. So many women, Black especially, may share this sentiment, but not verbalize it or make it known, and as I’ve shared, I understand why.

There’s this idea that a woman’s dreams about life should entertain, if not focus on, the concept of marriage and children. No matter how lofty the ideas, how grandiose the desires, at some point, to curb the expected loneliness that comes with age, a husband/partner and children should be idealized — excuse me, idolized. So when people, men I date particularly, come across me, they are taken aback because what happened to the program?

What happened to the societal priming that tells us women that this is our north star, that being bred, and raising humans is our natural utopia? What happened to believing that choosing a man until death makes the idea of death easier to bear? What happened to the nuclear family and all of its benefits?

To be fair, I’ve received a lot of pushback from women as well, and I sometimes wonder if they are afraid they will too be enticed to find a freedom that lies dormant within them.

They often wonder if there was a misstep in my upbringing that led me here. And to that, I’ll say, I’m simply the first child. I am the first daughter, the guinea pig of a desired familial generation. All I’ve ever known is to be a mother — a mother of ideas, a mother of rebellion, a mother of consequence, a mother of siblings when capitalism was chomping down on our parents’ ability to spend time with us. Being the first is an unbearable responsibility and it has made me realize that I’ve had enough of it, and could never create someone else to bear that same weight. It would be unethical of me. Irresponsible, even. And if there’s anyone who knows the consequence of being irresponsible, it’s the first daughter of an immigrant family.

Even beyond being a first daughter, I have simply learned how to separate my core desires from the desires that were given to me. And throughout this understanding, I’ve learned that being married is not my core desire, love is. Having children is not my core desire, belonging is — caring is. These core wants have been morphed into images we all just expect but never interrogate — and without that interrogation, we end up choosing what we’ve been told, and not what we want.

I am interesting to the man I wouldn’t mind marrying because I know what I want, and it’s not impeded by what I am told. And the more I think about it, the less profound it feels. Because shouldn't we all know what we want and it not be intercepted by what we are told?

Before you jump, I am not saying that we are all being bamboozled into wanting marriage and children. I am not saying that wanting those things is inherently wrong, or complicit of you. I am saying that if, and it’s a big if, those things do not seem to be enticing to you — if they do not occupy your dreams, it’s okay and there’s nothing wrong with you. If your dreams of these things look different than everyone else’s, it’s okay and there’s nothing wrong with you.

My idea of freedom looks like me not allowing another human to potentially suffer, no matter how prepared I ever feel for motherhood. My idea of family looks like nurturing those around me as best I can and pouring into communal spaces. My idea of motherhood is always giving my ideas the space to be alive. I do not need a physical child to be a mother. And neither do you (unless that’s what you actually want).

My idea of freedom is choosing marriage or partnership in a way that makes sense for me. My idea of romance looks like choosing love over and over again in the midst of great interpersonal change. My idea of love is being willing to move through the inconvenience of it all, in a world that convinces us that convenience is essential. I do not need marriage to make space for love and neither do you (unless that’s what you actually want).

What I dream of now is a life filled with love that I find all around me, a partnership that makes me feel as safe as the arms of my best friend. I dream of children who can find community within me, even if they are not of me. I dream of people being comfortable enough to choose their freedoms, as long as they do not harm others (or themselves). I dream of a world that interrogates everything we are told with a soft curiosity that leads us to learn more about ourselves and others. I dream of so many things but marriage and children of my own are simply not one. And that is okay, and there is nothing wrong with me.

And it shouldn’t make me all that interesting either.

xo,

Simi