I’ve never been able to fully put into words the quiet disinterest I’ve felt toward marriage or motherhood as I entered my mid-twenties. It often made me feel like such an outlier—especially among women both within and outside of my community.
But when you said, “Marriage is not my core desire. Love is.”—I gagged 😭. That’s it. That’s exactly it.
this resonated with me quite deeply! As a Black woman from Mississippi raised in a Christian household and trained in “church etiquette” , the idolization of marriage and children has surrounded me most of my life. Choosing myself and my happiness over my community’s expectations took bravery and remains one of my proudest accomplishments. So I always love seeing other women share what their freedoms look like and inspiring women everywhere to dream big! Thank you for this ❤️✨
As a first daughter myself, I found this so relatable. Thank you for writing about a topic that’s not talked about enough, and for adding such unique perspective. 🫶🏼
I love this. There is no one way to exist or be fulfilled in this world. As Black women it’s important to center ourselves and our goals as we navigate whether or not we want to me mothers or married. And it’s also important to know life will still be fine if you don’t want these things. ❤️
Exactly this! I’m a first daughter of an Afro-Caribbean family and my brother got married a few years ago and now I’m an Anty. I’m sure you can imagine the comments and questions from both family members and strangers like. I’m sure they mean well but it seems they can’t fathom that I may not want that. On a recent date (there wasn’t a second), when the guy asked me if I want marriage and children he and I responded that I don’t know, he seemed taken aback. When I get that reaction, I often add: Do we want those things because WE really want them or cuz we’re taught to want them?
I've often wondered the same thing. I'm also a first daughter but of a Nigerian household. It's just always been assumed that I will likely get married and have children but the more time goes by the more I question is this what I actually want for myself? Or am I confining myself to this expectation in order to appease my parents? Whenever I'm in spaces with other women and I raise this contrarian viewpoint of marriage some (not all) just genuinely feel shocked. I'm not averse to the idea but I still question whether it's what I want for myself at this moment... or if I'm incentivized to do it because all the women who came before me have done so.
Nigeria is a country where it’s hard for parents to believe that their children are deviating from the norm and wouldn’t want to get married or have kids. Majority are less concerned about the true desires of their children and the only goal they have for them is marriage and kids. They can’t see beyond that
"Incentivised' is a good word choice and I wonder if they feel shock because they've never allowed themselves these questions or imagined a different possibility. Not judging them or looking at them negatively for their choice but it makes me wonder when I experience that reaction. Thanks for sharing with us!
I’ve been in tears for 20 minutes. So many layers to peel back but YES. Motherhood is multifaceted and the least interesting about me is that I don’t want to be a bearing one. I do, however, still get to build, create, partner, devote, love, support.
I pretty consistently find that men are curious or maybe even overzealous but definitely find my approach alluring. It’s always the “you are the most interesting girl I’ve ever met” and I say the same thing every time. Of course I am, nigga. You’re doing what you were told to do and im simply… not.
I also think to others who don’t understand, this can be seen as unappealing, chaotic or not stable energy and makes it hard to be chosen by others that could be forever material. For a long time I spent thinking it was me until reading this.
Wish I had the talent to put my pen to work like you did in this essay. I resonate so much with this piece. I’ve never been able to articulate how I feel about marriage and kids but this essay is a reminder that I’m not “crazy” or alone in these feelings.
Thank you for sharing. Coming from another first daughter, there were many pieces of this that I've felt and couldn't put words to the feeling. Thank you 🫶🏽
Thank you for sharing your story! As an eldest daughter with many younger siblings, I can relate. As a woman in a state where it is expected to marry young and have children, I feel understood. As a person in a loving partnership, your words are validating.
The idea of a woman who does not need marriage or children is a revolution. That woman is powerful as hell. You're helping us re-orient around the thing that matters, not marriage but LOVE. Thank you <3
Just when I thought I couldn’t cope, you made me light up like a firework that can’t cope but at least can hyperfocus on that phrase which nails it (cos I can’t cope with how much I resonate with the way you’d like your life to look like vision board copy paste lol) xxxxxx
Thank u for beauty truth help I am in awe.
& I will try & hold on to the feeling that “soft curiosity” cracked open in me!!! Tysm!!!! Xxxxxxxxxxx
I’ve never been able to fully put into words the quiet disinterest I’ve felt toward marriage or motherhood as I entered my mid-twenties. It often made me feel like such an outlier—especially among women both within and outside of my community.
But when you said, “Marriage is not my core desire. Love is.”—I gagged 😭. That’s it. That’s exactly it.
this resonated with me quite deeply! As a Black woman from Mississippi raised in a Christian household and trained in “church etiquette” , the idolization of marriage and children has surrounded me most of my life. Choosing myself and my happiness over my community’s expectations took bravery and remains one of my proudest accomplishments. So I always love seeing other women share what their freedoms look like and inspiring women everywhere to dream big! Thank you for this ❤️✨
Can we give some praise to “I have simply learned how to separate my core desires from the desires that were given to me.”
Beyond just marriage and motherhood, I’ve had to do this with career, love in general. Such a good piece.
As a first daughter myself, I found this so relatable. Thank you for writing about a topic that’s not talked about enough, and for adding such unique perspective. 🫶🏼
I love this. There is no one way to exist or be fulfilled in this world. As Black women it’s important to center ourselves and our goals as we navigate whether or not we want to me mothers or married. And it’s also important to know life will still be fine if you don’t want these things. ❤️
This was a very refreshing read
Exactly this! I’m a first daughter of an Afro-Caribbean family and my brother got married a few years ago and now I’m an Anty. I’m sure you can imagine the comments and questions from both family members and strangers like. I’m sure they mean well but it seems they can’t fathom that I may not want that. On a recent date (there wasn’t a second), when the guy asked me if I want marriage and children he and I responded that I don’t know, he seemed taken aback. When I get that reaction, I often add: Do we want those things because WE really want them or cuz we’re taught to want them?
Great read! All the best,
Celene
I've often wondered the same thing. I'm also a first daughter but of a Nigerian household. It's just always been assumed that I will likely get married and have children but the more time goes by the more I question is this what I actually want for myself? Or am I confining myself to this expectation in order to appease my parents? Whenever I'm in spaces with other women and I raise this contrarian viewpoint of marriage some (not all) just genuinely feel shocked. I'm not averse to the idea but I still question whether it's what I want for myself at this moment... or if I'm incentivized to do it because all the women who came before me have done so.
Nigeria is a country where it’s hard for parents to believe that their children are deviating from the norm and wouldn’t want to get married or have kids. Majority are less concerned about the true desires of their children and the only goal they have for them is marriage and kids. They can’t see beyond that
"Incentivised' is a good word choice and I wonder if they feel shock because they've never allowed themselves these questions or imagined a different possibility. Not judging them or looking at them negatively for their choice but it makes me wonder when I experience that reaction. Thanks for sharing with us!
Best,
Celene :)
I’ve been in tears for 20 minutes. So many layers to peel back but YES. Motherhood is multifaceted and the least interesting about me is that I don’t want to be a bearing one. I do, however, still get to build, create, partner, devote, love, support.
I pretty consistently find that men are curious or maybe even overzealous but definitely find my approach alluring. It’s always the “you are the most interesting girl I’ve ever met” and I say the same thing every time. Of course I am, nigga. You’re doing what you were told to do and im simply… not.
I also think to others who don’t understand, this can be seen as unappealing, chaotic or not stable energy and makes it hard to be chosen by others that could be forever material. For a long time I spent thinking it was me until reading this.
My goodness, it felt so eerie to read this. It felt like my soul wrote this.
Wish I had the talent to put my pen to work like you did in this essay. I resonate so much with this piece. I’ve never been able to articulate how I feel about marriage and kids but this essay is a reminder that I’m not “crazy” or alone in these feelings.
Thank you for sharing. Coming from another first daughter, there were many pieces of this that I've felt and couldn't put words to the feeling. Thank you 🫶🏽
Thank you for sharing your story! As an eldest daughter with many younger siblings, I can relate. As a woman in a state where it is expected to marry young and have children, I feel understood. As a person in a loving partnership, your words are validating.
The idea of a woman who does not need marriage or children is a revolution. That woman is powerful as hell. You're helping us re-orient around the thing that matters, not marriage but LOVE. Thank you <3
Thank you for beautifully putting words to this feeling. It resonates deeply with me as another first born, immigrant daughter.
Thank you for sharing..as a first daughter, I felt this so much
“Soft curiosity” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Just when I thought I couldn’t cope, you made me light up like a firework that can’t cope but at least can hyperfocus on that phrase which nails it (cos I can’t cope with how much I resonate with the way you’d like your life to look like vision board copy paste lol) xxxxxx
Thank u for beauty truth help I am in awe.
& I will try & hold on to the feeling that “soft curiosity” cracked open in me!!! Tysm!!!! Xxxxxxxxxxx